From Hopeless to Happy

Below is an excerpt from a diary entry I wrote several months ago.  I came upon it last night as I was thumbing through the pages of my journal.  The cursive letters in my precious notebook portray an uninhibited version of my most intimate thoughts.  I do not share them often, but I was so taken by the raw emotion I had exuded that I felt the urge to share my reflection with others.  Maybe you too can relate to how I have felt…

I’ll admit it.  I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I’m sad deep down and I know it.  I’m sad because of the loss of a lover and friend. I’m sad because I feel I will not be given another chance at love.  I’m sad at the thought of unused, unrecognized talents.  I’m sad because I reach out to people only to be ignored.  I tell not a soul that I’m struggling, lest I should sound pitiful and whiney.  I eat and watch tv incessantly.  I yearn to travel and meet new people, try new things, see new sights.  I yearn for the touch of another.  I feel the disappointment in my God’s heart, yet know that he is eagerly awaiting my return to his arms.  I am not moved by the emotions of others, but rather by the own emotions at turmoil inside of me.

I realize that he is in the past.  There is no going back.  Some of those bridges cannot or rather should not be mended.  But even though I know these things to be true, my whole being mourns over the tragic death of this relationship.

There were days when I was content to be chasing one after the next boy.  Even though the chases usually only occurred in my daydreams, it kept me happy.  Hope is what fueled me.

Now my hope is gone.  I see the handsome faces of men as they kiss their wives and embrace their children.  No longer does this sight bring me great joy at the dreams of my having such a family one day.  Instead  I see a world of what could have been, but shall not be.  I am afraid that I will never be blessed with these comforts.  I am afraid I will live a servant’s life in solitude.  I am afraid that my plans for the future will be whisked away.  I am afraid the world will move on without me…

I can report that I no longer find myself feeling deeply saddened.  My outlook has improved recently, but there are still realities that weigh heavily on me.  It’s important to know that everyone gets in a funk from time to time.  Rest assured this season of life is not permanent.  Meanwhile, in the midst of these sad times, don’t let the dismal atmosphere prevent you from creating your own pleasant memories.  Hope is often on the horizon.


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